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Authentic conversations evoke a rare quality of communication between you and others. They unclog the airwaves and establish the conditions for real relating!

One of the areas I specialize in is how to have authentic conversations at work and home. You may be asking yourself, what’s that about?

It’s learning to interact with courage while communicating your message so you come across with:

  • Confidence
  • Clarity and
  • Ease!

Over the past twenty something years I have taught thousands in business and the private sector to engage with others by applying authentic self expression. Lawyers, doctors, dentists, business owners, leaders, managers and staff across a variety of industries have learned what it takes to express themselves authentically.

How authentic are your conversations at work? Do you know how to share what’s on your mind in a way that others can hear? Does speaking authentically guarantee that you will maintain the relationship? These and many other questions are addressed in my program and keynote. Being authentic requires that one build self awareness and courage. Authentic conversations are not for the fainthearted!

So, how authentic are your conversations at home? Can you speak authentically with compassion, rather than being intentionally brutal? Would you describe your home conversations as authentic? What criteria do you use to assess this? How would those closest to you describe your manner of communicating?

The degree of our own self awareness always determines the quality of our conversations. It is this rare quality of authentic relating that results in a deeper engagement and greater clarity that sets authentic conversations apart!

How masterful are you at expressing your voice authentically?

If this has captured your attention, contact me. I’d love to hear from you!
1-778-386-5168

You may recall in the early part of 2008 Oprah hosted the largest global, live video-conference on a series offered by her special guest Eckhart Tolle. The topic was his new book, A New Earth, which focused on the importance of ‘being present and staying in the present moment’.

For some people this is a way of life, for others it remains a mystery and a challenge, while for yet others it’s an unfathomable concept. What is meant by ‘be present?’ I’m here, can’t you see me? That’s being present isn’t it?” Many people think this way, and that is understandable. Though this concept of ‘being present’ has been a core practice of many eastern spiritual traditions, it has not been in the mainstream thinking for that long.

When I first came across this concept a few years back, I too thought that being physically present was what ‘being present’ meant. At first glance it seemed simple. Over the years I’ve come to more fully appreciate the underlying dynamic that ‘being present’ evokes. My current understanding is that a first aspect is to ‘be present with yourself in your experience of the moment you’re in’. The deeper aspect is about inviting our ‘inner presence’ into our lives. This requires a whole lot more than merely being physically present. Let me illustrate the first aspect by way of a personal example.

The other day, for instance I wrote down a ‘to do list’ of all the things that I wanted to accomplish that day. As life would have it, I had a really busy day reacting to calls, running errands and getting involved in many things, none of which were on my original list. Has this ever happened to you? All of these things at the time called for my attention. I kept doing, doing, doing while ignoring the niggling irritation that crept in and began to grow below the surface of my awareness. By four o’ clock I revisited my ‘to do list’ only to find that I had only completed one item. The irritation surfaced in the form of my inner critic…!  Needless to say I was less than charmed with myself.

As I reflected on what had lead to this, I realized that I’d gone into a tail-spin of ‘busyness’. And, as I thought about it, I became aware that I had in fact switched over to automatic pilot as a way of coping instead of tackling what I had secretly been avoiding, namely tackling a task that was unfamiliar and challenging. And, in switching channels in this way I’d allowed my day to be hijacked by the tyranny of the urgent instead of aligning my actions with my intentions. After all, I had started off with a ‘to do list’, hadn’t I? So how did this busyness hijacking happen?

The answers to my experience lie below the surface, not on top of the surface. Dr Bruce Lipton, in his book Biology of Belief, states that, “…the subconscious mind is millions of times more powerful than the conscious mind. If the desires of the conscious mind conflict with the programs of the sub-conscious mind, which ‘mind’ do you think will win out?”

In not being fully present to what I was experiencing, I was oblivious to the numerous internal signals that were bubbling to the surface, because being in automatic pilot numbed my awareness and allowed me to ignore what was really going on. I’d switched to a familiar pattern of ‘getting things done’ because that’s what I had been trained to do in my early childhood.

By way of illustration, let’s compare swimming and deep sea diving. We swim on the surface of the water and when we look down we see that the water below is dark. And, in seeing that, we could conclude that there’s nothing to see below, it’s dark. And herein lies the paradox. However, when we go deep sea diving, and we take the necessary precautions to kit ourselves with the right equipment including oxygen tanks, masks and underwater lights, we discover that the darkness that we believed was all there is below, is in fact not so at all. Instead, as we shine a light into the depths, we begin to notice a vast undiscovered underwater world. A world filled with natural treasures and indescribable life forms in luminescent colours that impress us with their beauty and leave us in a state of awe and wonder. And we suddenly become aware that they’ve always been there, far below the surface, invisible to us from the surface, but radiant in the darkness, like hidden treasure that we have to search for to find! As we re-surface we take with us the impressions and are enriched by the experience.

Let’s draw from this analogy. Every day you and I are faced with many choices, two of which are: to either exist on the surface or to live our lives as fully present as we are able to.

The first choice allows us to switch to automatic pilot, and to live our lives on the surface, without much awareness of what is really going on with us or with others. I call this ‘living asleep’. It’s as if I am not fully awake to my life. I’m unconsciously following a rote pattern with little inner or outer awareness. In this state I am less likely to allow another to impress me with who they really are. In this state I can easily rely on past experiences of someone to cloud what they’re bringing forth today. In this state I am more concerned with myself, my concerns, my needs and my agenda. I’m sort of there but not quite! And, in this state my inner critic gets the most airtime, and that shows in my communication with others. I’m in a hurry. I’m impatient. I interrupt. I don’t notice the cues that others are giving. I’m living in my head, either thinking about a past event, or planning a future event. I miss the present moment. What’s going on when I am in this state? My presence is missing! When our presence is missing, our eyes are dull, the shine is missing and others can tell! They notice it!

The second choice, I call ‘living awake’. Living in this state, of being awake to what is, opens us to more possibilities. When we are present in our lives, and are present and genuinely curious about what is going on, we start to notice things about ourselves and other people that we ordinarily miss. Moment to moment, life presents itself anew and we allow ourselves to be impressed by others. I know for myself when I am in this state of awareness, I am often surprised by little things I notice about others that I didn’t notice before. I am calm. I am more genuinely interested in them and who they are. I listen more attentively. And, I am better able to dwell in curiosity open to discovering more. I like the way I feel when I am in this state. I feel more alive, more vibrant!

By inviting ourselves ‘to be present’ moment to moment, we tune in to a higher frequency of awareness. We open to a state of curiosity, creativity and wonder. And, in so doing we partner with life and our sub-conscious mind to show us more of who we truly are. We invite our spirit, our essence, our core being into our life. And the moment our Spirit joins in, that is when we sparkle!

While sitting in the hairdressing salon today our hairdresser, Raphiel, shared a festive season dilemma that she is facing right now. She has a ten year old son who is excitedly looking forward to Santa’s visit. Just the other day he asked her if she would ever lie to him. She replied: “You know that I wouldn’t.” Her thoughts then veered to the Santa myth and that up till now she has always told him that Santa is the one who delivers the presents on Christmas eve.

She went on to share an incident that happened a week ago. Her neighbour’s little girl declared aloud: “Santa isn’t the one who brings the presents, it’s moms who do.” When her son then looked to her for a reply, she had said, “Well that may be so in your house, but in our house I’m too busy to do so.” Her answer seemed to satisfy her ten year old.

But it evoked a deep reaction inside her. What is she to say to her son if he finds out that there is no Santa? What will happen with regard to his trust in her? She doesn’t want to spoil Christmas for him by declaring Santa a fake, and neither does she want to lie.

Has this kind of dilemma happened to you? What about in the workplace when you know something but are not at liberty to reveal it just yet. How do you deal with those kinds of dilemma’s?

In pondering the question Raphiel was truly concerned. After briefly exploring this together in the salon, my husband Dene, a clear ‘sensemaker’ responded by offering the following: “How about telling your son that the spirit of Christmas is what we hold onto. That is true. And then you can go on to explain that whatever your tradition is, is true for you, and in that way we keep the idea of Santa and generous giving alive in our hearts.”

In hearing this Raphiel appeared somewhat relieved as it resonated with her need to retain the trust relationship she has with her son. She decided to let it ride until after Christmas and then she’ll open the topic. Her hope is that no-one will break the news to him before the day, and that is the risk she’s prepared to take.

It reinforced for me once again that it’s not only the words we use but the context and entire package within which our words are positioned that fully convey our truth and our intention.

How would you rate your organization’s well-being?
Every organization today is feeling the impacts of the global economic meltdown! Within organizations, enormous job losses have resulted in re-distribution of the workload amongst the remaining staff, increasing tension and anxiety within today’s workplaces. How long will their jobs be secure? Are they next to go? These are amongst the questions at the top of many people’s minds. Often it is the needs and development of these survivors that are neglected. Now more than ever before, managers and leaders need to secure the trust and loyalty of their staff to maintain productivity to achieve the bottom line.

How can you do this?
By modelling clear, open and honest communication. What is your role? Are you involved in management, leadership, sales, customer relations, buying, negotiating or are you on the frontline in another capacity? Do you interact with staff, seniors, clients, colleagues, other departments? Does your role require you to have discussions about job performance, budgets and employee expectations? How would you rate your skills in building and maintaining motivated and inspiring relationships with the people you interact with?

Communication that connects IS communication that counts!
Your organization’s ability to attract and retain high quality employees tomorrow is dependent on how well you treat them today. In today’s downturned economy, leaders and managers who apply clear, authentic communication are likely to deepen their organization’s competitive advantage for a number of noteworthy reasons, one of which is that people stay where they are well treated! People who communicate clearly and authentically are better able to:

▪ lead others,

▪ build rapport,

▪ build trust,

▪ get more information,

▪ handle their own emotions,

▪ make decisions,

▪ problem solve,

▪ influence others and deal with conflict

All are crucial skills in every organization! These are the people who are generally more respected by others and who become the leaders and star performers in an organization! Research has proven repeatedly that applying healthy workplace practices are key to investing in an organization’s future! Clear, authentic communication is a very sophisticated and empowering skill that brings immediate results at work and home! Communication that connects IS communication that counts!

You may recall in the early part of 2008 Oprah hosted the largest global, live video-conference on a series offered by her special guest Eckhart Tolle. The topic was his new book, A New Earth, which focused on the importance of ‘being present and staying in the present moment’.

For some people this is a way of life, for others it remains a mystery and a challenge, while for yet others it’s an unfathomable concept. What is meant by ‘be present?’ I’m here, can’t you see me? That’s being present isn’t it?” Many people think this way, and that is understandable. Though this concept of ‘being present’ has been a core practice of many eastern spiritual traditions, it has not been in the mainstream thinking for that long.

When I first came across this concept a few years back, I too thought that being physically present was what ‘being present’ meant. At first glance it seemed simple. Over the years I’ve come to more fully appreciate the underlying dynamic that ‘being present’ evokes. My current understanding is that a first aspect is to ‘be present with yourself in your experience of the moment you’re in’. The deeper aspect is about inviting our ‘inner presence’ into our lives. This requires a whole lot more than merely being physically present. Let me illustrate the first aspect by way of a personal example.

The other day, for instance I wrote down a ‘to do list’ of all the things that I wanted to accomplish that day. As life would have it, I had a really busy day reacting to calls, running errands and getting involved in many things, none of which were on my original list. Has this ever happened to you? All of these things at the time called for my attention. I kept doing, doing, doing while ignoring the niggling irritation that crept in and began to grow below the surface of my awareness. By four o’ clock I revisited my ‘to do list’ only to find that I had only completed one item. The irritation surfaced in the form of my inner critic…!  Needless to say I was less than charmed with myself.

As I reflected on what had lead to this, I realized that I’d gone into a tail-spin of ‘busyness’. And, as I thought about it, I became aware that I had in fact switched over to automatic pilot as a way of coping instead of tackling what I had secretly been avoiding, namely tackling a task that was unfamiliar and challenging. And, in switching channels in this way I’d allowed my day to be hijacked by the tyranny of the urgent instead of aligning my actions with my intentions. After all, I had started off with a ‘to do list’, hadn’t I? So how did this busyness hijacking happen?

The answers to my experience lie below the surface, not on top of the surface. Dr Bruce Lipton, in his book Biology of Belief, states that, “…the subconscious mind is millions of times more powerful than the conscious mind. If the desires of the conscious mind conflict with the programs of the sub-conscious mind, which ‘mind’ do you think will win out?”

In not being fully present to what I was experiencing, I was oblivious to the numerous internal signals that were bubbling to the surface, because being in automatic pilot numbed my awareness and allowed me to ignore what was really going on. I’d switched to a familiar pattern of ‘getting things done’ because that’s what I had been trained to do in my early childhood.

By way of illustration, let’s compare swimming and deep sea diving. We swim on the surface of the water and when we look down we see that the water below is dark. And, in seeing that, we could conclude that there’s nothing to see below, it’s dark. And herein lies the paradox. However, when we go deep sea diving, and we take the necessary precautions to kit ourselves with the right equipment including oxygen tanks, masks and underwater lights, we discover that the darkness that we believed was all there is below, is in fact not so at all. Instead, as we shine a light into the depths, we begin to notice a vast undiscovered underwater world. A world filled with natural treasures and indescribable life forms in luminescent colours that impress us with their beauty and leave us in a state of awe and wonder. And we suddenly become aware that they’ve always been there, far below the surface, invisible to us from the surface, but radiant in the darkness, like hidden treasure that we have to search for to find! As we re-surface we take with us the impressions and are enriched by the experience.

Let’s draw from this analogy. Every day you and I are faced with many choices, two of which are: to either exist on the surface or to live our lives as fully present as we are able to.

The first choice allows us to switch to automatic pilot, and to live our lives on the surface, without much awareness of what is really going on with us or with others. I call this ‘living asleep’. It’s as if I am not fully awake to my life. I’m unconsciously following a rote pattern with little inner or outer awareness. In this state I am less likely to allow another to impress me with who they really are. In this state I can easily rely on past experiences of someone to cloud what they’re bringing forth today. In this state I am more concerned with myself, my concerns, my needs and my agenda. I’m sort of there but not quite! And, in this state my inner critic gets the most airtime, and that shows in my communication with others. I’m in a hurry. I’m impatient. I interrupt. I don’t notice the cues that others are giving. I’m living in my head, either thinking about a past event, or planning a future event. I miss the present moment. What’s going on when I am in this state? My presence is missing! When our presence is missing, our eyes are dull, the shine is missing and others can tell! They notice it!

The second choice, I call ‘living awake’. Living in this state, of being awake to what is, opens us to more possibilities. When we are present in our lives, and are present and genuinely curious about what is going on, we start to notice things about ourselves and other people that we ordinarily miss. Moment to moment, life presents itself anew and we allow ourselves to be impressed by others. I know for myself when I am in this state of awareness, I am often surprised by little things I notice about others that I didn’t notice before. I am calm. I am more genuinely interested in them and who they are. I listen more attentively. And, I am better able to dwell in curiosity open to discovering more. I like the way I feel when I am in this state. I feel more alive, more vibrant!

By inviting ourselves ‘to be present’ moment to moment, we tune in to a higher frequency of awareness. We open to a state of curiosity, creativity and wonder. And, in so doing we partner with life and our sub-conscious mind to show us more of who we truly are. We invite our spirit, our essence, our core being into our life. And the moment our Spirit joins in, that is when we sparkle!

You may recall that my last blog was on ‘being present’. And today my topic is on ‘coherence’, the latest term being used by pioneers at the forefront of effecting global shifts, non-politically. The Canadian Oxford Dictionary defines coherence as ‘sticking together’ and in relation to physics ‘having a constant phase relationship’.

I’d like to invite you to consider the term ‘coherence’ in another context, namely that of our inner processes. In this context, ‘coherence’ is the internal synchronized state between your heart, mind, and spirit that results in a coherent heart rhythm. When you are in a coherent state, it has a direct affect on your biological rhythm and results in you feeling a deep sense of calm, inner balance and energized presence. Would you like to live in this way? My guess is that your answer might be a resounding ‘yes’, especially in the current economic downturn which has many people caught up in its doom and gloom reports.

How can you access this state of inner coherence? You are likely to have already accessed it at some or other time in your life, and like me, you perhaps did not have a phrase for it other than ‘it’s a peaceful inner state’. If you have ever followed a daily spiritual practice of prayer or meditation or yoga, for instance, you are very likely to have experienced this coherent state. And, my guess is that if you have then stopped your spiritual practice or on occasion skipped doing it for a day or more, you will have felt the lack of it!

What is it that makes a ‘coherent state’ possible? The work of Doc Childre, Steering Committee Chairman of the Global Coherence Initiative (GCI) and co-author of The HeartMath Solution series with Deborah Rozman, provides an answer, and, it is rooted in science. Their work explains that ‘a coherent state’ is in fact biological, and that the heart plays a pivotal role. How so? Well here’s a brief quiz to capture your imagination: Did you know that ‘the heart has its own nervous system or brain in the heart, containing around forty thousand neurons? (Armour 2003, Armour and Kember, 2004.) And, did you know that ‘there are more nerves going from your heart up to your brain than from your brain to your heart?’ (Cameron 2002).

Back to you… Have you ever walked into a room and sensed a heavy negative emotional charge in the air as you witness two people embroiled in a conflict? Or similarly, have ever walked into a building like a church or another holy place and experienced a visceral sense of peace and tranquility pervading the atmosphere of the place? Both of these examples attest to the felt presence of what is known as ‘the field environment’, according to Howard Martin, Executive VP Strategic Development, HeartMath. How come we feel it? According to McCraty (2004) ‘the heart’s magnetic field is five thousand times greater than the field generated by the brain, and it can be measured several feet away from the body in all directions? ‘ So we actually feel the vibration within our own magnetic field. And, if we are tuned in to our environment we are likely to be more alert to the ‘energy’ of the place, also known as the ‘field environment’. The field environment is the cumulative effect of the emotional experiences people have created. See if you can ‘feel it’ in your office or home environment.

So, why am I sharing all of this with you? My reason is that today’s economic downturn is impacting everyone’s lives. Instead of allowing yourself to be sucked into the doom and gloom, rather make a choice to bring about a positive shift in your immediate environment. Do a dip-check. Assess what your environment feels like to you. Is it positively charged or negatively charged?

Ask yourself the following:
What kind of emotional charge am I leaving behind me?
What can I do right here, right now, to make a positive difference?

Today, create a positive atmosphere wherever you are! The best way you can do this is to come from a state of inner coherence!

Deborah Rossouw

Integral Coach and Life-enhancing Speaker and member of the GCI

References:

Childre, Doc and Rozman, Deborah, PhD 2006. Transforming Anxiety –the HeartMath Solution for Overcoming Fear and Worry and Creating Serenity. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Martin, Howard – webinar 23 April, 2009, on behalf of the Global Coherence Initiative Steering Committee.

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